okay, so what I meant was

It's hard for me to self motivate to go do a workout, or go to the gym or something. Setting goals hasn't been too successful in the past. I've got a little over 100 lbs to lose, and I find it difficult to stay looking at the big picture. Difficult for me to celebrate a 3 lb loss when I'm looking ahead and seeing how far there is to go. 

I think I figured out what I do like about working out though, and that is the clothes. I love leggings. They do not look good on me, but reaching toward a goal of wearing Lululemon workout clothes (and omg their leggings) and Patagonia jackets and fashionable yet functional clothes and looking super cute and cozy... I can't wait for that. So of course I'm making yet another resolution that WILL stick this time and I'm doing it. I'm not sure how to get started without my classes I want to take and the money to buy my healthy food... But I'm going to try again. I'm tired of starting over. Diet change include eating whole foods, cutting back on carbs (except fruit, mmk?) and trying to eat more vegetables. Fitness change includes walking for now, wih the eventual goal of beginning to jog, continuing kickboxing, and trying out yoga. 

I'm changing my lifestyle. Taking it easy on the weekends, but staying active and healthy on weekdays. 

Go team go!

Laters,

Kiks

a workout thought

Just a thought nugget to expound on later: if I can make working out fashionable and have entertaining accessories (cute leggings, nice gym bag, cute shirts), will it be more fun?

product: sally hansen cuticle massage cream

Okay I love this stuff. 

I have super dry cuticles. I put lotion on my hands all the time, but my cuticles are just terrible. Any time I get a manicure they comment on it, so I decided to look for a product to remedy it. I bought this stuff yesterday and I love it! It comes in this little pot and feels almost like lip balm. Rub so e on your finger tip and massage that crap all over your dry awful cuticles and it's like a miracle. Already mine are looking better. And feeling better! I suffer from the skin rig there shredding a bit and leaving those awful little flaps that hurt anytime you go in your pocket or anything and this helps so much. 

Miracle product. Loving it. $5 beautiful cuticles.

ups and downs

The downs: I gained 4 lbs in the last two weeks. Fell off the Weight Watcher wagon again... But trying to climb back on. Successful so far, though I haven't been able to convince myself to exercise recently. I'm getting over a pretty fierce cold, and that was a setback. 

The ups: the cold is ending! Still got the sniffles and coughing, but it's okay. I also found some magic hair products. 

This is Organix argan oil. It's wonderful. I was skeptical of the oils on my hair myself, but I thought I would give it a try, and did a minimal amount the first time. Just on the ends. I have my hair dyed in the ombre style, so it's basically bleached blonde at the ends and tends to get knotty and split ended easily. This oil though... Smoothed my ends, made my hair lovely soft. The next day I used it a little bit more generously, and I love it. It smells nice, and when my hair air dries or dries overnight it allows for soft waves in my hair without a lot of frizziness. 

Follow up your argan oil on your wet hair with this stuff:

I love this mousse. Again, Organix product. I like this mousse because it smells lovely (coconut!) and it gives my hair some nice volume and style without adding any crunchiness. Perfect for the night before I am going to roll out of bed, run my fingers through my hair, and go to work. 

Now, I suppose I should say that I have fine, color treated long hair. Lots of hair, but very fine. It tangles easily and tends to be straight or a little bit wavy if I give it the right product. This product combination is what I use daily after a shower in the evenings (who has time to shower in the mornings, amirite?) and I love the hair I wake up with. After I straighten my bangs, of course. 

Now, I have a constant difficulty with getting out of bed on time. I am always (ALWAYS) running late if I need to be somewhere in the mornings. I basically throw on the clothes I found, put my hair in a bun, grab my lunch, and run out the door after I take my dog out in the mornings. No breakfast. No makeup. No accessories. I'm just not a morning person. I'm going to try to change that, and by the end of the year, I want to be one of those healthy people who can go to the gym in the mornings and come home and have some time to get ready! It's the dream. One step at a time. Next step: lay out my clothes every night, including accessories. Let's do this!

Next time: my full week using makeup every. Single. Day. 

Laters,

Kiks

I don't know what to do. Grosse Pointe or somewhere else? I feel like I am about to shatter into a million pieces. Moving back home will either stabilize me or just let me fall back on being dependent on my family again. I need to be an adult, but how can I be an adult when I only feel like half a person?

I know that I could never deliberately hurt myself. Friends and family who know that I've come close don't realize I never could. It would have consequences beyond my own life, I know that. But that's part of the reason it seems so endless. I cannot even begin to grasp the enormity of having a life feeling this hopeless forever. It sounds exhausting. It is exhausting. 

Daytime is okay. There are distractions. But at night the dark closes in and I feel so lost, the kind of lost where everything is pitch black and you don't even know which way is up or if your eyes are opened or closed. Why do I feel so splintered when others can at least see directions?

an ache that can't be found.

Yesterday my facade of being "fine" came crashing down. I actually told someone I felt like hurting myself. It's the first time I have ever been able to ask for help without just waiting for someone to notice. I cried for hours, and didn't think I could ever go back to work.

But today I did. I took two days off for my mental illness (even though I called it a cold--I certainly sounded and felt sick) and during the second day I was questioned and it made everything so much worse. 

I've been planning an eventual move to Atlanta but I don't think it's a good idea. My mother suggested I move back home for a year to just get on my feet, financially and health-wise. Even though I don't really want to move home and not have my own apartment, she might be right. The idea of not having money to worry about and just work and let someone else help me sounds like a retreat... At least for a little while.  So I will be thinking about that for the next few months. I have until July, and then I need to move out of my current place. 

my most recent problem...

Because all I do is bitch, apparently. 

I don't even know what I would do if I wasn't doing Speech Language Pathology. Honestly if I had my way I would probably sit at home and blog and surf the web all day. But let's be real: I am not witty enough to be a blogger. Or not a blogger that actually makes money. I'm not smart enough to do important things; I'm not crafty enough to do something really creative I could sell to others. And I have way too much pride to go do something mundane like waitressing or folding sweaters at Old Navy while I wait for inspiration to strike.

So I guess I go on being miserable, all the while suspecting that the reason I am miserable is my job. Waiting for the day that everyone realizes that I am a fraud and that I must've gotten my degree by mistake because I definitely couldn't tell you most of what I learned in neuroscience and speech science. Which is really a shame, since those are my favorite areas. I'm just not really smart enough to be part of it. 

On the outside looking in at all those people who may not know what they are doing with their lives, but at least are intelligent enough to do something. Always. I've never been great at thigs, just good enough. I'm a good enough singer for choirs (unprofessionally of course), I was a good enough dancer in high school to be in competitive show choir. I'm good enough at being funny. But only when it doesn't count. 

And I suppose I'm a good enough writer to make a blog entry about not being good enough. 

But I'm terrified I'll never be happy.