an ache that can't be found.

Yesterday my facade of being "fine" came crashing down. I actually told someone I felt like hurting myself. It's the first time I have ever been able to ask for help without just waiting for someone to notice. I cried for hours, and didn't think I could ever go back to work.

But today I did. I took two days off for my mental illness (even though I called it a cold--I certainly sounded and felt sick) and during the second day I was questioned and it made everything so much worse. 

I've been planning an eventual move to Atlanta but I don't think it's a good idea. My mother suggested I move back home for a year to just get on my feet, financially and health-wise. Even though I don't really want to move home and not have my own apartment, she might be right. The idea of not having money to worry about and just work and let someone else help me sounds like a retreat... At least for a little while.  So I will be thinking about that for the next few months. I have until July, and then I need to move out of my current place. 

my most recent problem...

Because all I do is bitch, apparently. 

I don't even know what I would do if I wasn't doing Speech Language Pathology. Honestly if I had my way I would probably sit at home and blog and surf the web all day. But let's be real: I am not witty enough to be a blogger. Or not a blogger that actually makes money. I'm not smart enough to do important things; I'm not crafty enough to do something really creative I could sell to others. And I have way too much pride to go do something mundane like waitressing or folding sweaters at Old Navy while I wait for inspiration to strike.

So I guess I go on being miserable, all the while suspecting that the reason I am miserable is my job. Waiting for the day that everyone realizes that I am a fraud and that I must've gotten my degree by mistake because I definitely couldn't tell you most of what I learned in neuroscience and speech science. Which is really a shame, since those are my favorite areas. I'm just not really smart enough to be part of it. 

On the outside looking in at all those people who may not know what they are doing with their lives, but at least are intelligent enough to do something. Always. I've never been great at thigs, just good enough. I'm a good enough singer for choirs (unprofessionally of course), I was a good enough dancer in high school to be in competitive show choir. I'm good enough at being funny. But only when it doesn't count. 

And I suppose I'm a good enough writer to make a blog entry about not being good enough. 

But I'm terrified I'll never be happy. 

In some ways I am incredibly fragile. A criticism snowballs for me until it means that I am a worthless person and I just want to give everything up. It takes a long time for me to come back from that. It impairs my life in all aspects when I am criticized in one. I sleep all the time. I am late for work. I am a worse driver, a worse friend, and a worse roommate. My dog doesn't get walks. I eat like shit or don't eat at all. I do. I do not go to the gym. Everything gets worse and worse until one day it gets a little bit better. But there is no formula. Everything in my life falls apart. And I don't know how to break that except not make any mistakes. 

But how can you not make mistakes? I am constantly making errors in my work or misunderstanding something or forgetting to do my chores. 

More importantly, I think, is how do you not let a criticism tear you down completely? How do you gain the self confidence to say "okay that wasn't the best. Better next time!" 

I think when you don't see anything good or special about yourself it's easy for one criticism to turn into an avalanche of self-hatred. 

How do you make it stop?

clothes.

Clothes are my best friend and my worst enemy. My favorite thing on Pinterest (besides my wedding board--shit that was supposed to be secret-- and my home decorating board) is the women's fashion. I crave being able to dress like this:

Three reasons this isn't about to happen: 1. I am a fatty fat person. 2. I work in a grimy school. 3. I am just so fucking lazy. Let's take these one at a time, shall we? Let's work backwards. 

reason # 3

I want to fix this by working out in the morning. Or at least being a good dog mom and taking Penny out for a walk every morning. How long do productive, non-sloth people give themselves to get ready in the morning? Must research. 

reason #2

This isn't going to change any time soon, I don't think. The school will. But the fact that it is a school... No dice. 

reason #3

The big one. I am big. How big? Way closer to 300 than I have ever wanted to be. I fell off the Weight Watchers wagon (I love me an alliteration) in a big way this past couple of weeks. Haven't been weighing in and haven't been tracking. Gained almost all of that poundage back. Dammit. But last week I did well tracking and this week I want to do even better. More workouts, less fat and carbs, more lean protein. I know the rules by heart. It's the following them part that's always been a struggle for me. Tomorrow will probably be sketchy because I am out of what I like to call "real food" and will probably hit up a fast food restaurant on my way home before I shop for groceries. Hopefully I will be able to give myself a kick in the ass and go to the gym in the evening to balance that out. 

Meals for the week:

Greek shrimp with orzo

Chicken with oven fries

Ground turkey enchiladas

Inspo:

Laters,

Kiks

money musings

Learning to save money... Tough thing. Do I save the money? Pay back debts? Saving to buy a new computer and a car while trying to pay back owed money is rough. 

Time to start the 52 week money challenge and pay back my debtors.