"I'm allllll alooooooone..."

Forever alone, emotionally stunted, etc. etc.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

giving some thought to life

I've lived here in Florida for just over a year. I like that it's warm most of the time, there are beaches and pools, and everyone knows how I feel about the water. I like being near my sister, and my niece and nephew, and I've even got a couple of friends. But all the same, I still feel very temporary. I don't know where I am going to end up, and I feel like I want to become one of those people who just travels around the country looking for a place to call home.

I know virtually nothing about New York. But I just finished reading a blog post and I got this wild fancy... what if I moved to New York? It certainly would be interesting. I've been thinking about the pros and cons of it. I know nothing about the neighborhoods, and nothing about the city (other than I have been there twice to visit...). I know that I like musicals. I know that I like cool neighborhoods, making small spaces work, and pre-war apartments.

I do continue to have thoughts about moving. I love the heat of Florida, the beaches, the pools... I love that. But I miss my friends, some of whom are in New York. Besides, the TV shows make it seem like such fun (and we all know the TV is JUST like real life). Other cities I have considered include Portland, OR, Asheville, NC, as well as back to Detroit.

Things I could like about New York:

• I already have friends there.
• Lots to see and do all the time.
• New and exciting!
• The apartments!

Things I may not like about New York:

• Walking EVERYWHERE*
• It's expensive. (But is it really? I already pay more than $1000 a month to live by myself down here.)
• Then again, it's very busy.
• I don't do all that well with change. (Though with friends there, it would be an improvement.)

I don't think I am quite fashionable enough for New York. I should probably move somewhere like Utah and be trendy, and everyone would be all "ooh, look at her, she's wearing makeup." And the idea of moving somewhere else sort of gives me a headache. I mean, what do I pack, what don't I pack, do I drive there, do I fly and have someone mail things to me? What about Penny? Would she like it? I would need a new job, which would be good since I hate my current company. I wonder how SLPs are paid in NYC.

Let's be honest, I'm not moving, unless someone encourages me. I'm waiting for a sign.

*To be fair, walking everywhere would probably be a good thing.

I joined pottermore, you guys.

I just joined Pottermore, and I got sorted into Hufflepuff. I'm not sure I can describe it more accurately than telling you that at first I was like

And then like

But now I'm like

EDIT: Also, Hispter Cat likes Hufflepuff, so...

just a quick post before bed...

Sometimes I wonder how I come to be friends with people who are so different-minded than myself. Here I was, thinking that racism -- in any extreme -- was an old-fashioned idea, and that people my age would just be over that by now. Not so! It turns out that I was being ignorant my thinking these things.

I have a new friend down here who I would classify as someone who is rather bigoted in her ideas. "Racist" seems like a harsh word. She's not out there committing hate crimes, but makes comments that make me uncomfortable. It makes me unsure of our friendship. I like her a lot, and we've become close, but her old-fashioned ideas make me wince.

I do think (as the song from Avenue Q says) that everyone's a little bit racist. But I also don't think that anyone should allow that to completely shape their view of another person. We all judge based on looks (race notwithstanding), but can we strive to dig a little deeper?

on friends and finding a man

Steve is visiting. Yay!

Steve and I, on his 21st. Old picture, but it's still cute!

We're headed to Busch Gardens tomorrow, and hopefully silliness and fun ensues.

My friends have convinced me to join Plenty of Fish, which I did. Which prompted about 12 guys to be like "u r sexi" and just send me poetic messages, such as "Hi", or my favorite so far: "Hry". Where's the romance? The attempt to woo? It doesn't help that I feel like I am lying to the world when I put up pictures like this:

When I really look like this.

I'm a mess, really.

on setting goals

I've never been much for running. Even when I was a tiny skinny thing I always hated it. Really, I hated exercise of any sort. Looking back, I think that I was probably super anxious about the idea of running and being in a race, and it just ruined my whole day.

But of course, I am an adult now, and I recognize that exercise has benefits, like you know. Making us live longer. And stuff. And so I've been working out. And I have a new goal! I would like to be able to do The Color Run next year. There's one happening in December down here, but I don't think I am quite ready to commit to that. But one year from now, I hope to be ready for The Color Run 5K. It just looks like so much fun. It makes me WANT to be a runner. Plus, Lulu Lemon has the cutest running fashions ever, and I want to get on board with that.

In other news, here's a cute picture of Penny playing with her new friend, Winston.

mah fravrit!

All I've done today is watch White Collar reruns, go to the gym, watch The Hangover, and then more White Collar reruns.

So productive.

For the past three weeks I have been so good about going to work out. There is an older man in my neighborhood who is a personal trainer and he offered to train me for free. So a couple friends and I go for a half hour three times a week and lift some weights. It's a pretty good deal. I've definitely built up at least some muscle.

I love this part of White Collar, when he base jumps off the building.

Anyway, so the weight loss journey is beginning, but I haven't altered my eating habits quite yet. Given that, I've not really lost weight. I'm only slightly more optimistic than I was.

I think this entry had a point when I started, but then I got lazy. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

sometimes I don't have a blog title.

It's somewhat disenchanting to be hanging out with someone all night and have him ask you if your friend is single. Then again, free drinks because your friend is cute isn't something to complain about, I suppose.

Highlights of the night include:

• Paying for only one drink all night.
• Almost winning at darts (I've never even been able to hit the board before!)
• A woman telling me she wanted to slap my ass.

There are worse things. But is that what it's like for cute girls all the time? Do they never buy their own drinks? I must discuss.

Also, Penny ate the wheel of my mouse. *shakes fist*

oh! I do like to be beside the seaside!

It's true, nothing makes me happier than the thought of sailing. I've always loved being near water. Perhaps it's part of growing up in a state surrounded by lakes. I grew up sailing on my dad's boat and my grandfather's boat, but never really learned to sail, myself. I'm not sure if I never took an interest in learning, or maybe if I've just forgotten it all. But I would love to take one of those classes where you learn to sail by going out on a boat with an instructor for a few days... pricing it out, they look very very expensive. So I'm hunting for maybe some cheaper lessons. Or maybe I just need to get a "Learn to Sail" textbook, though I'm not sure how much about it I could learn via reading.

My grandfather primarily taught my brother how to sail. Matt's really a faster learner than I am, and at the time I was a nervous boater, convinced that the boat was going to tip over. By the time I got over that silly fear, I think I missed my chance to learn. I regret that.

Matthew, the intrepid sailor.

Me, my grandfather, and my brother. 

I don't have any photos on my computer of me sailing, what a shame! I'll have to ask my mom to upload some and send them to me. I have some very fond memories of being out on Lake Charlevoix and Lake Michigan on Grandpa's 41 ft. Hinkley, the Fly-n-Finn. I loved sitting up on the bow on a calm sail just as much as I loved a windy day sitting on the "low side" as I always called it. Being able to stick your hand in the water as you fly over it on nothing but the power of the wind... paradise.

penny has sad legs

Sad knees, to be exact. She has been diagnosed with luxating patellas, which basically means that her kneecaps are slippery. She has it in both of her back legs, though it seems to be worse in her right leg. It's very very sad to see when both of her legs slip and she has to sit down because they won't hold her up. So sad. Look how sad she is.

I'm heading to the vet tomorrow with her to find out just how bad it is, and if she will need this terribly expensive surgery. Cross your fingers!

Update to come regarding my week of physical fitness.

lose the baggage

There is a large part of me (no pun intended) that thinks that my life will be vastly improved if I lose weight. No more medications, cheaper clothing, less worry about travel... Might even improve my anxiety.

I'm finding the road to be difficult, given my addiction to food. Not even decent food. I love food that is bad for me. French fries, fried pickles, burgers, hot dogs, bratwurst, and chips. Ice cream. Cheesecake. Cheap queso dip! And the problem is that I can't stop once I start eating, it's an obsession. I could happily go without eating at all ever again, if I didn't get so darn hungry and feel faint from lack of food. Once I start eating I just keep going and going, but if I never start then all is well.

I've been getting quite a lot of inspiration lately from Can You Stay For Dinner? which covers a myriad of topics, not the least of which is the author's inspiring journey from morbidly obese to healthy. I find that I can relate to her, because quite simply, I am just about where she was when she started. Almost the same weight, feeling the same anxieties. I just can't wait. I've started working on it, but slowly.

I bought the Just Dance 3 game for my Wii, and I love it. I sweat like buckets during the game, and I do about a half hour of it before I just can't do anymore. I've been trying to follow friend's advice to not quit when it gets tough because that's when it really matters the most, and I think that it has helped me to push myself past what I thought I could do. And I am beginning to set goals for myself. They are still not fully shaped, but they are beginning. I want to be able to go home (back to the mitten) fro Christmas, and wear boots! I've never been able to wear boots in style, because my calves are too fat. I want to wear boots, guys. Next summer, I want to go on vacation. I want to make big weight loss, and reward myself with a vacation. Ideas are welcome

And it's getting late (for me). I need to go to sleep. Get ready for a weight loss journey, world.

adventures in sushi

Today I had sushi for the first time in about 10 years.

Needless to say, I am still not a huge fan. Anyone want some sushi?

I really don't wanna be here

"Here" being my mental state.

I find that the happier I am, the more I listen to music, sing spontaneously, and generally play with my silly accents.

I've done very little of those things lately.

no title

I honestly don't know how to express how much of a wreck I am. Imagine a semi speeding down a hill, and the brakes are gone. Everything is not okay. Things are not in control. Things I don't like to think about and am afraid to admit to come out. I'm lost.

Ever since I started school for what I do I've felt like I'm not smart enough. Yes, I passed the tests, and yes, I found a job, but the whole time I felt like I was fooling everyone else. Didn't they see that I had no idea what was going on? I have no idea how I passed the tests. Lucky, I guess.

I wish I was still at home. And maybe that I was in elementary school again. And forever. But things can't just stay simple, can they?

Ugh this is stupid. What an awful post. But I'll admit something here.

I scare myself, sometimes.